Family

Growing up when I pictured my life as an adult, I pictured LOTS of kids and running around being a mom to them. When everyone else was deciding what to go to college for. I always knew college was pointless for me because I just wanted to be a mom. I didn't want to be a working mom. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. When we had Jack there was a short period of time that I thought I would be happy with just him. But by the time he turned one, I knew more children were a must! We had Emma 2 1/2 years later and just before her first birthday, SURPRISE!!, I was pregnant again. Although I secretly hoped we would have one more after that, I knew this would be our last baby. Unfortunately our sweet baby Elizabeth was prematurely still born. My husband was good with 2 kids (how is this possible when he used to want 6!!) and it wasn't up for discussion. He had made his mind up we would only have 2 kids and that was that. (For him anyway) I still wanted more kids. After about a year I decided that he wasn't going to change his mind and I starting ditching the baby stuff. I had a theory that if I ditched that baby stuff, I would need it again. Sure enough, that fall he decided we should have one more. So we did, and I had a miscarriage. When I got pregnant again in July, I was so nervous! I was thrilled when I made it out of the first trimester, as most miscarriages happen in the first 13 weeks, and I was so sick with this baby it was nice to be leaving the sickness and worry behind me. However, I could not leave all the worry behind, because it was at 17 weeks when I lost Elizabeth and even though the DR said it was nothing but a fluke I was scared something could happen again. Sadly it did. I went in for a quick check of the heart beat at 16 weeks, and he was gone. Our sweet baby Thomas, suffered the same fate as his sister before him. WHAT IS GOING ON???? I already have 2 perfectly healthy kids! There is no explanation for this! And that is just what all the doctors and specialists agreed, there is no explanation for this. No reason, no cause, no prevention. Its just a fluke. Great. I'm not buying that. I cant run the risk of this happening again. So, that means I can't have another baby. I am so disappointed. I feel so blessed to have Jack and Emma and I will be happy in life with them as my only children. But I wanted a big family. I come from a big family and I love having 2 sisters and a brother. Our family get togethers are always fun and big. And no matter what, I always have them. I am just sad that my own family will not be as big. People can tell me big families are overrated all they want. But I want one. I love them. It is just going to be something that I have to get used to. That this is the way it is. I am very lucky for what God has blessed me with.

I am thankful God for my version a perfect family, 2 boys and 2 girls, even though 2 of them live with you. Thank you for all the wonderful blessings you have given me and for helping me understand. AMEN